Bitch ‘n Moaning: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

220px-TheTexasChainSawMassacre-poster 74It’s pretty well established that the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre has an enviable mark in the history of cinema. In the original release, the film’s visceral display of a family of cannibals sadistically murdering Sally Hardesty and her friends resulted in much controversy. The documentary-like direction of the film made this horror film more realistic and the image of Sally being taunted at the dinner table and running from a chainsaw-wielding Leatherface still holds up to this day. Given the film’s success and reputation, various sequels and remakes were subsequently released. Just recently, it was announced a new film, following 2013’s inexplicably horrendous TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, will be released titled LEATHERFACE. This new film will tell the story of Leatherface’s teen years (?!)

I’m not a filmmaker and I know it’s not an easy task, but I have to ask… why is it so difficult to make a worthy follow-up to the original film?  Every single sequel sucked ass.  Hell, even the remake series is superior to any sequel to the original film.  The original sequels were awful on so many levels.

  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)  I can appreciate Tobe Hooper wanting to try something completely different from the original, but the end result is a scrambled mess of overlong proportions.  Perhaps if I enjoyed weed, I would enjoy this movie more.  Sure there were some interesting tidbits like Dennis Hopper over the top performance and Crop Top but I don’t get the love for this movie.
  • Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (1989) This was New Line Cinema’s attempt to “Freddy-fi” Leatherface.  I haven’t seen this movie in ages, but I remember loving the fact that the movie was more horror than comedy, but even the chase scenes were boring.
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994) I’ve seen some shitty movies in my day like Sex in the City 2 and most of Adam Sandler’s films but this piece of shit takes the cake.  The movie is so awful, that I felt anger after wasting 90 minutes on this shit.  The acting is beyond awful, the direction is non-existent and to imply that the Sawyer clan is a part of the Illuminati is beyond insane.  Fuck this movie!
  • Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)  Math is clearly not a strong suite for the writers.  The lead character should either be in her 40s or the movie should take place in the early 90s.  Since when does the Sawyer clan have a large estate? Since when are they rich? Why make Leatherface the hero?
  • Leatherface (2015) This movie hasn’t been cast, produced nor released but I know this will be a piece of shit of great proportions.  Did the producers forget there’s already a movie in the franchise called LEATHERFACE?  I try to forget that film as well, but I know it exists.  It’s been said this film will take place in the 70’s and will be about Leatherface’s teen years.  Again, logic is out the window.  Wasn’t Leatherface a full-grown man in 1973?  Fuck me, this movie will suck.  The fact that this shit is being produced, while THE STRANGERS 2 still has yet to have a greenlight is beyond me.

I hope the next film will make sense and be entertaining.  With all this bitch ‘n moaning I’ll still see LEATHERFACE next year. I’m such a masochist.

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