5 Remakes I Demand Right Now

2020 will see its share of reboots of famed franchises. Some of these sound intriguing like the new CANDYMAN and SAW, while others such as WRONG TURN and THE BOY 2 have us scratching our heads. Since everything will be rebooted, remade or reimagined at some point (Disney+ is doing a TURNER & HOOCH reboot- let that sink in) I thought I would offer 5 movies that are primed for a remake. So Mr. and Ms. Hollywood, I hope you’re paying attention. Because if any of these get remade I deserve 20% commission.

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (1982)

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SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE was originally written as a satire of the horror genre exploitation of women. Instead, thanks to various rewrites, what we got was a horror movie that dropped the satire for unintentional humor and a killer that was as threatening as Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell…THE NEW CLASS. SMP has so much going for it- fairly developed female protagonists, clearly symbolic metaphors (the drill is a penis), and not so convincing straight guys wearing tight 80’s clothing. A remake could make the original premise more streamlined and in the #MeToo error, a film which celebrates female empowerment is exceptionally timing… but the way some of y’all showed your asses with BLACK CHRISTMAS 2019, CHARLIE’S ANGELS 2019, GHOSTBUSTERS 2016, I don’t know.

KILLJOY (2000)

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For a movie about a killer clown from hell that spawned 4 (!) sequels, KILLJOY seems to be very much under the radar. Granted, we’re not talking Pennywise here, but the Craig Ross-directed, ultra-low budget film has so much potential that you’d have to wonder what the execution would have been like with a higher budget, capable actors and more resources. KILLJOY is a fairly simple film about a group of teens who encounter a killer clown from hell. The tone of the film is firmly in place with other horror comedies such as the GINGERBREAD MAN, THANKSKILLING and WISHMASTER. Unlike those other films, KILLJOY is one of the rare horror franchises that recognizes racial diversity (although at times at the expense of eye-rolling racial stereotypes) and doesn’t take the idea of a killer clown too seriously. IT: CHAPTER 2 this not.

ANGUISH (1987)

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Admittedly, ANGUISH would be a hard film to remake due to its unconvential narrative. However, I would love to see the bounderies established in the original pushed even further in a retelling. In a nutshell, ANGUISH, could be viewed as commentary on the effects of onscreen violence on it’s audience; a topic which is always timely. If you haven’t seen this Spanish-American horror film I encourage you to find it as I’m trying really hard to not to give any of it’s plot away. It’s a film to dive right into without know much about it or seeing any trailers beforehand. It’s a cleaver film that would benefit with a modern update and a wider audience reach.

MOTEL HELL (1980)

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While a remake to Kevin Connors 1980 horror satire has been teased for years, I’m still clamoring for an official remake to hit the silver screen. In the original classic, brother and sister Vincent and Ida Smith run a shady hotel with an even shadier fritter recipe. MOTEL HELL came out trailing horror icons such as PSYCHO and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and their ripoffs. Updating the story to speak to a modern audience by satirizing current iconic films woven in the film while keeping true to the original story would make for an inspired film.

BLACULA (1972)

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BLACULA, the story of African Prince Mamuwalde who was inflicted with the vampire curse, came out during the Blaxploitation era. While generally well-received at the time and garnering cult status, the story is a prime candidate for a modern revisit. Who doesn’t love a movie about a vampire on his quest for love? The original story is mostly solid and digestible but is such a product of its time (and low budget) that BLACULA 2020 could fix some of it’s faults and present a more timeless endeavor. I’d love redo of the film that highlights how Prince Mamuwalde dignity conflicts with his innate bloodlust and heightened sexual aura. Imagine Sam Adegoke, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II or Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in the titular role.

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