With the Coronavirus outbreak trending harder than a Donald Trump-Kanye West mashup, most people are either being forced to work forced to stay home from work, school, church and the clubs. While Netflix and chillin’ may be fun for a day or two that can quickly get old. You could stand in line at Costco for toilet paper, but who has 8 hours to do that? You could buy all the hand sanitizers, horde with the intent to gouge customers and then cry like the little bitch you are because Amazon stopped you in your tracks. Or you could book the flight to Paris you’ve always wanted for $25.00 but you spent all your money on toilet paper because you did stand in the long ass line. Well don’t worry kids. Daddy’s here to help you during this increasingly fucked up time. Below are 5 things you can do this week to not lose your mind.

1. Stay yo ass home and watch TV. Universal Pictures has announced they’re releasing their currently-released films for stream on VOD starting this Friday. That means you can watch sexy-ass Aldis Hodge and, I guess, Elizabeth Moss in THE INVISIBLE MAN from the comfort of your own living room while you count how many rolls of toilet paper you have. Also available will be the recently released THE HUNT and EMMA for about $20.00. If that isn’t enough, binge watch some feel good shows like THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE or INTO THE DARK. If you’re a sadist, you can watch films like OUTBREAK, THE BAY or CONTAGION. All I’m saying is, between Netflix, HULU, Prime Video, and live tv, you don’t need to be out in these streets.
2. Listen to the KILL THE DEAD podcast. Yes, this entry is self-serving as I’m one of the co-hosts, but I think you’ll like if you haven’t listened already. One of us is usually fairly shit-faced when recording (spoiler alert: it’s usually me) but we’re all having fun discussing horror with occasional tangents about LORD OF THE RINGS, THE REAL HOUSEWIVES franchise…and food. We’re recording a new episode soon so it’s best to get caught up. You can find KILL THE DEAD anywhere podcasts are played.
3. Check on other people- especially people over the age of 60, people with compromised immune systems and differently-abled people. Even if you have to Postmate them food, drinks, hygiene products- just consider other people who may not have the resources you do to buy all the fucking toilet paper at Krogers. If you can, offer some sort of assistance for someone you know who can’t work because their place of work is shut down.
4. Put a jigsaw puzzle together. This isn’t a SAW joke. This is an actual recommendation. When is the last time you put a jigsaw puzzle together? As an adult I can say they’re still fun, frustrating and rewarding as they were before the internet and Words With Friends came along. At least it looked fun. I watched my partner spend the weekend putting one together as I sat on the couch, and ate flaming hot Funyuns and watched LIVING SINGLE on Hulu.
5. Wash y’alls nasty-ass hands for 20 seconds multiple time in the day. With soap. And hot water. Instead of buying all the toilet paper at Walmart (I honestly can’t get over this) and Capri-Sun to last you until THE NEW MUTANTS finally gets released in theaters, take healthy precautions and wash your fucking hands… oh and don’t lick toilet seats people.